apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
