Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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