The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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