this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
