if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
