this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
