If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
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It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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