Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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