I am spending my child support on dildos
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
