Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
