hell yes lets make some ravioli
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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