I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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