is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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