my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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