the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
