Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
