I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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