Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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