Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
