Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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