Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
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And the cops told us we were all naked.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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