I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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