The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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