I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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