I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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