How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
