It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You are the jesus of drinking
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
