I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
