I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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