Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
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Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
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Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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