Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
