Moan for me like Helen Keller
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize