Joe is yelling at the trees again.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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