well I can't set my house on fire every night
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
