3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
