i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
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Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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