i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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