You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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