This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
