When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
