I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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