Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dicks are not precious.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
