Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
