I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
