My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
