it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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