So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
