I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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