so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
