I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
