Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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