Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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