She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
