I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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