Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
