i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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