Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
