the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
