I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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