for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i think my cat just said my name.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
